The F-word: Obsessively calling the Watch a "flop"
Writing for the Forbes contributor network and world's only corn palace made entirely of creamed corn, Bert Dohman asks "Will The Apple Watch Flop" (Tip o' the antlers to @CaffeineAndHate.)
Remember, there are no stupid questions.
Except this one. This is the last one we'll allow.
TV reporters were at Apple stores hoping to report on the assumed big crowds.
Then TV reporters are idiots. Which, yeah, OK.
But there weren't any.
Must mean it's a total failure, right Probably means that. Even though they weren't on sale in the stores yet. Maybe that's even part of the failure. Who knows All we do know is that the failure can never fail it can only be failed.
The important question is, "Will people buy it" ...
Amazingly, hardly any reporter asked [Tim Cook] that question. But it is critical.
Oh, you want to know how that would go Here's how that would go.
Reporter: "Mr. Cook, will people buy the Apple Watch"
Cook: "Yes."
Glad we settled that. The Macalope is sure it was confusing for everyone.
I recently participated in an informal survey of a revolutionary tennis racquet...
No. Way. Is it possible you are overqualified to write a column about the Apple Watch being a flop
That's the type of missing questioning that caused the huge failure of the introduction of the Ford Edsel.
Wait, what, wait, whoa.
You're saying that because Apple has not been asked "Will people buy it", the Apple Watch is the Edsel of today. You don't think that maybe that came up at some point internally To Dohman, Apple is apparently run by pill bugs that act solely on instinct without thinking.
If you remember that one, you are revealing your age.
You are a million years old. Or you've read a book. Which also means you're pretty old.
Buyers will quickly get tired of charging the watch every 8 hours or so.
Facts! What are they Who knows Take some things I made up instead! Here, I've got a whole drawer full of them.
It is compatible only with the iPhone 5 & 6. That's about 38% of iPhone users, or around 5% of the world's smartphone users.
A fraction of hundreds of millions is useless! What's the point Why even bother
Now watch this logic.
Is it smart to have a consumer product that only 5% of consumers can use That works for high-priced items such as Rolex, Patek Phillipe, etc. But for a $399 watch
As if! Dream on, Apple! Your piddly little watch isn't able to play with high-priced luxury goods!
The price is too high.
OW, MY NECK.
Is it a luxury item or is it a gadget The price says, "Neither."
Dohman somehow seems to have missed all the screaming about the $10,000 edition. Which is weird since for a while it was the most outrageous thing ever but it totally makes sense to leave out things that don't support your argument when it's so weak.
This launch could well be the end to the perception that Apple can do no wrong.
The Macalope thought that was Antennagate. Or Glassgate. Or Maps. Or...
That perception was based on the successes of Steve Jobs.
Sure. Because none of those things happened under him.
Actually, if you consider the new versions of existing iPhones under the new CEO, you can come up with more flops.
Apple sells more iPhones every quarter. They're wildly popular. And yet they're flops. Allow me to explain how I came to this conclusion. First, guzzle a gallon of fortified malt liquor, then...
Actually, there is no step B.
The sales surge of iPhone 6 was nothing but a catch-up from iPhone fans who were yearning for a larger screen.
Really, when you take away all of Apple's successes, all that's left is flops.
I think the watch will flop. Of course, I could be wrong. Apple will hope so.
Stunning insights such as these are the hallmark of the Forbes contributor network. And just when you think they insights couldn't get more insightful, they blow your mind yet again.
Interestingly, on the day of the Apple Watch launch, Samsung launched its Galaxy S6. It has great reviews. It could put a major dent into the sales forecasts of the iPhone.
Suck your mind. Sorry, the Macalope meant to say suck. Right out of your head.
The phone is very much overpriced compared to the competition. Eventually, the ecosystem will fade when people realize that they can get more for less with another phone.
It's like a clown car of wrongness. Bumbling, laughable clowns that are wrong keep coming out of it, defying our sense for its internal capacity to hold them.
If I were running Apple...
Oh, my God.
One analyst who was on TV with me said...
This guy gets invited on TV to talk about Apple. Let that sink in for a minute. Actually, take an hour or two. Heck, take the rest of the day off after realizing something so twisted and bizarre. Go pet some goats. Do something for yourself.
Hey, we don't know how many Apple Watches the company will sell this quarter. They certainly sold as many as they could make for preordering. And if you counter that brilliant and devious Apple is deliberately constraining product to make it seem like it's more popular thin it is, the horny one will counter with iPhone 5c.
It may not end up being as successful as the iPhone or the iPod, but it's clearly not a flop. No matter how many times you jam that word into a column.